Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
