Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
