I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
