im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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