Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
