Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
