he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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