what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize