people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
