Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My cat gives me a boner
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
