I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
