By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
