Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
