The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
