Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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