I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
