Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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