She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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