Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
