Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
