The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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