my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
