hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
