am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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