Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
