Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
