Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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