I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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