I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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