M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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