Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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