No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
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