He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
