Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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