Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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