I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How does it feel to date your dad?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
