Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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