I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
