it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
