There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
