I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
