Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
