Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
well I can't set my house on fire every night
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
