I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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