Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
