I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
