If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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