Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
