awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
