i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
