Sorry, I don't speak sober.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
