Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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