Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You may now shotgun with the bride
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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