You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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