she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Randomize
