i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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