I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's shark week go big or go home
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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