I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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