clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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