I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
