If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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