I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
