i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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